Simeon: I don’t know what this plastic thing on the counter is, but when we have a boy it will make a perfect G.I. Joe boat.
Carrie: You mean my Longaberger basket liner?
Simeon: I guess so.
Carrie: Wait, can’t Ana use it for a G.I. Joe boat?
Simeon: Hmmmm…maybe. Or she could use it as a Barbie coffin.
“Humans should come with ramrods, just like rifles.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s the prostitution.”
“Nick had a pretty good day-he already got felt up by a girl.”
“…And it wasn’t Lindsay.”
“Had that been said by anyone other than her father it would be disturbing.”
“Lights are off: let’s get naked!”
“Get out the Crisco, grease Nick up, send him down the road.”
“I like you. You have nice…body parts.”
“Wanna carve a ‘tit’ pumpkin this year?”
“Sorry. I just have to tease a Megan. I don’t care which Megan.”
“Woah! Big Asian boobs! Come quick!”
“Where? Huh? Wha…”
“Ha! Did you see how fast he got in here?”
“Wow. She is drunk.”
“How can you tell?”
“Did you just hear her say ‘I spy…’?”
“Oh. That.”
“Check out that carrot. I dare you to eat it.”
“Ok.”
“Quick take a picture.”
….
“Ewwww! Not like that! Off to the side like. More Bugs Bunny.”
“Do you guys watch The Bachelor?”
“No. I don’t like reality shows like that. Do you really think you are going to find true love on a TV show?”
“Ummm. What about the Flava Flav show? Come on now. Those girls are SO in love with him.”
*Sigh*
“Woah. Did all of us girls sigh at the same time?”
“I didn’t. I was too busy listening to him talk in that accent. Ahhhhh.”
“Shhhhh.”
“Are you shushing me? Are YOU shushing ME?!”
“Sorry, it’s just instict.”
“Wow.”
“Yeaaaaah.”
“It’s things like that that make me wish I had a blog.”
“And now you understand.”
“You can have our ham piles.”
“I’m already in the club. I don’t need to study.”
“We weren’t typing. We were trying to kill the spiders on our keyboards.”
“Did you get special Ass Wednesday powers?”
“I’ve had enough sausage.”
“Yeah. So have I. So. Have. I.”
“You know what I am giving up for Lent? Religion.”
“You have the right to arm bears.”
“Just because I am a teacher doesn’t mean I know the stuff.”
“You are the only guy I know who can make ‘Hi. How are you?’ perverted!”
“The ninja turtles handshake? Awesome!”
“Can you imagine if that’s how wars worked; with colored pencils and paper.”
“Is dat Harry Pott’r?”
“No.”
“Is dat Harry Pott’r?”
“No.”
“Is dat Harry Pott’r?”
“Yes. Yes, it is.”
“Well that’s because Heather has semen in her body AT ALL TIMES!”
“It’s the pot–it’s like catnip!”
“I love that they wear harnesses. That makes me laugh really hard…on the inside!”
“Well if you hit my mammary glands of course it’s gonna hurt!”
“Megan got laid…and Nick got screwed!”
“She’s the sexretary!”
“I love the air quotes around ‘virgin.'”
“Well, is that better than playing the air guitar while saying ‘virgin?'”
“He took on the fairy under-world.”
“We were doing this Christmas thing–“
Interrupting, “Jew hater!”
“Hey, I paid for my car with two big hugs!”
“Ladies and gentlemen, TLC was just brought up over Christmas dinner!”
“Hey! I just high-fived you! Age ain’t nuthin’ but a number!”
“You know what’s funny? This isn’t the first time I have heard those two sing Shoop!”
“Screw the Mexi-Santa!”
“Awww! I put my arm in the mashed potatoes.”
“He said he would watch it if it was a gay ninja movie.”
“Pirates don’t have eye lasers!”
“Aaron didn’t finish all of his dinner…or Nick’s!”
“Mank.”
“Beef.”
“Thank God for being uncivilized!”
“Nick never wants the tittles to go away!”
“This cannot go well, so I am stopping there.”
“Eww! Is the end of that wet?!”
“Most of these quotes are my stupidity!”
“I thought you were calling him Nipple!”
“I gotta bring a little flava to the table.”
“Is that where you went? We were all looking for you and you went downstairs to play video games?!”
“It’s your birthday and no one is listening to you.”
“As long as you love Jesus you can get elected.”
“Hurry! You have to hold it before Nick blows.”
“You see how I opened the first half of the present like a grown up? Ha! Watch this!”
“Ohhh…bow…boobies.”
Happy Birthday Nick! I dedicate this entry to you! We love ya, man! (All the rest of the pictures from last night are here: Nick’s Birthday Party.)
“You all suck.”
“…because someone at Nick’s house should be having sex.”
“I didn’t know you could actually light your farts.”
“There is always bum talk.”
“Yeah, he’s moving in with his boyfriend.”
“I feel oddly whored out.”
“No, no, noooo. Don’t use the poop shovel.”
“Knock, knock, knock. Hello…I’m lonely.”
“So on Wednesday nights, if I just call myself “Megan” I won’t be whored out in the blog world?”
“347? Shit I’d sleep with him for that.”
“It’s ALL about the hits.”
“Ellie–one. Monster Truck–zero.”
“I’m getting my ass kicked tonight…by rubber balls and dogs!”
“Always good to whore it up.”
“Awwww. That makes up for you stealing my beer the first time. NOT the second time.”
“Let’s not light Megan on fire, ok?”
“Were you peeing?”
“Yeah…”
“Did he stick his hand in there….while you were peeing?”
“I don’t think so….”
“I can’t blog facial expressions, so you are gonna have to be more vocal.”
“I don’t know what it is…unless it’s what I think it is.”
“Earrings always smell like ass.”
“Hold me down and shove it in.”
“That candle could be “Ballpark” scented.”
“Pull it, then smell it.”
“It’s actually “Coconut Cove” but “Penis Colada” is close.”
“Did you just smell his finger??”
“I have a thing for carbonation today.”
“I have a thing for urination today.”
“My God you are wet.”
“Heh heh. Ipod ninja.”
“Oh my God! How did I not see that?”
“It doesn’t hurt in my ass and they dug in there!”
“I’ve had more people in my crotch this morning than most people have all day!”
“You just love so hard.”
“Oh you frightened me. I didn’t know who was touching me and why!”
“Carole, lets name Buddy “Mister Buddy”….oh that damn cat.”
“There are many things I would do if I had insurance!”
“I had my cervix cut off and I’m here!”
“Simeon! No poking Erin!”
“So….I see you are naked.”
“Sometimes you just need to be a lesbian.”
“God stir-ups are comfy.”
“Go to the Rack…get things for your rack!”
“You knew there were going to be questions! YOU KNEW!!”